Saucy Saturday 11-19-2011

Deuces Li’l Ones

Sorry for delay. It’s been a long week. It was my first full week back to work.  I think I’ve got most of my wind back though. Getting stronger every day.

So, where were we?

Oh yes, I remember.  Justin Bieber’s maybe baby daddy drama appears to be over. Mariah Yeater, his accuser, has dropped her paternity case. Isn’t that interesting? Just in time for Justin’s new Christmas song (which by the way is number six on Billboard’s Top 200). Apparently Ms. Yeater’s claims could have been false. Nooooo, really? Supposedly there are some incriminating text messages that hint to an ex-boyfriend being the real baby daddy.  I wonder when she’s going to be on the Maury show.  She should just crawl back under the rock she crawled out from.  Rumor has it Justin is still going to take the paternity test and then sue this bitch when it show’s he’s not the father. Not sure what he’s going to sue her for. Her trailer?  Oh well, I for one am glad it’s over. Now Justin can get back to what he does best. You know, finding the cure for cancer, world peace. Shit like that.

Ashton and Demi are divorcing. Everybody say it with me…awwwwww.  Now I certainly don’t fault any woman for marrying a younger man. Men marry younger women all the time and no one cares about that. Turnabout is fair play I say. What I don’t understand is why people are so surprised that they’re divorcing. First of all, she’s a skeleton in Vera Wang and he’s a philandering douche who couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag.  Although Demi should be used to that (those are two off the reasons she and Bruce split except for that acting part; Bruce can act, sort of).  It has to be hard though, seeing all of your personal business all over the news, Internet and Twitter. And then there’s the stuff that the media writes too. What it boils down to is who cares? People are starving and Iraq has a nuclear program. We have bigger things to worry about than two spoiled no talent richies.  Don’t we? And by the way Demi, eat a sandwich…PLEASE

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part something or other opened this week. Fuck me. When will this obsession end? I love a good vampire movie as much as the next guy but the films in this dynasty aren’t good movies. They’re not even remotely entertaining. I know I’m in the minority here. Supposedly if you’re over 40 you’re supposed to get moist at the thought of Edward, the world’s most annoying vampire. He’s so annoying that other vampires want to stake their selves.  And what of Bella you say? If I had a truck I’d run that bitch over. The only bright spot is Jacob played brilliantly by Taylor Lautner. Why brilliantly you say? Because he’s got a great body and his character hardly EVER wears a shirt or speaks.  Twihards can suck it. Watch a real movie about stuff that could really happen. You know, like Harry Potter or the Wizard of Oz. 

The investigation into the death of actress Natalie Wood, who drowned in 1981, has been reopened. Apparently a bunch of people are coming out of the woodwork (no pun intended) 30 years later. Thirty years later that happens to coincide with a book debut and a 48 Hours Mystery episode (airing tonight 11-19-11). Where the hell were these assholes when Ms. Wood died? The EMT who examined the actress’s body stated that “rigor mortis had not totally set in” and he was real shook up about that. Kiss my crack you jerk! Don’t you think this is something the coroner would have noticed? Folks, there is no conspiracy here. Robert Wagner did not kill his wife. Christopher Walken may have screwed her (that’s my opinion) but he didn’t kill her either. She slipped, bumped her head, fell in the water and drowned. It was tragic and pointless but what untimely death isn’t? Let this legendary woman rest in peace you blood sucking leeches.  Yeah, that’s right. I’m giving you the finger with both hands.

Well, Pakistan has a list of “obscene” words that have been banned in text messages. Words such as “monkey crotch”, “wuutang”, "intercourse", "condom", "breast", "period"  and “flatulence”.   The Pakistan Telecommunication Authority (PTA) banned over 1,100 English words as offensive or pornographic to cut down on SPAM.  In related news, US parents of adolescent boys under the age of 10 have seen a sharp increase in their text messaging bills.

The Occupy Wall Street folks took action on Thursday by clogging subway stations and trains saying they only wanted to talk to people about their cause. Yeah, that’s what New Yorkers want; some smelly weirdo talking to them on the train.  

And last but not least…

Charges against a transgender woman in FL were brought this week for practicing medicine without a license.  Apparently she injected cement, mineral oil, super glue and “Fix a Flat” into a patient’s hind end to give the lady a little more to hang on to.  Apparently the “doctor” enhanced her/his own self as well.  For more info go to http://www.nbcmiami.com/news/Fake-Doctor-Busted-For-Bad-Butt-Injections-134129628.html  One of the Facebook posts about the article sums up not only the “doctor” but the so called victim(s) [there could be more than one]:  You can’t fix stupid.  Amen to that.

Later bitches.

Ballin’

From time to time I'm going to post reviews. Reviews of TV shows, movies and books.  I won't review music (I'll leave that to my cousin Neil!) but I may make fun of the occasional artist. So here goes!

Hardcore Pawn - truTV (check your local listings I'm not a friggin TV Guide)

The shows premise, for those of you who've never watched, is centered around a family owned jewelry and loan (aka pawn) business located in Detroit, MI, their customers as well as the merchandise that previously mentioned customers bring in to pawn or sell. The principal characters of the show, although it's supposed to be "reality" are Les, the store's owner, and his adult-and I use that term loosely-children, Seth and Ashley.

What I've Learned About watching the show:

1. Les, 1974 called and wants it's bad hair back. Seriously dude. With your net worth I'm sure you can afford a nice hair cut.

2. Seth is a nasty elf that grew too tall so Santa sacked him.

3. Ashley need to shut the hell up. All she ever does is complain and whine about how Seth is trying to undermine her.  If I worked there, I'd frag her ass.

4.  Do your research before you go to a pawn shop!  Just because you paid "fi-teen hunnad dollahs" for a shiny watch doesn't mean it's worth that much.  Pawn shops are not charitable organizations. It's not their responsibility to give you enough money to pay for your crack er...rent. 

5. Never call the store owner a mutherfucker. That's a one way ticket to the parking lot my friend.

6. Pawn shops will NOT buy everything.  Case in point they refused to purchase or pawn and slightly used sex swing.  (Ashley stood behind Les scrunching her face up calling the item "disgusting".  That tells us a lot about Mr Ashley.  Poor guy.)

All in all watching the show is an entertaining way to waste 30 minutes. 

Rating:

American Horror Story - FX

I was really excited about this show based on the weird and not so slightly erotic commercials prior to the show's launch.  Then I watched it.

All I can say is the people who write this show need enemas.  Really big ones.  And the actors!  Oy!  Dylan McDermott couldn't act his way out of a paper bag with holes at both ends.  His bare assed best scene so far was him jacking off.  I'm not kidding.  (I think he was doing it for real.)

I'd love to be able to tell you what this show is about but I haven't got a fucking clue. 

The bright spot is the occasional scene with Oscar winner Jessica Lange. She's still a brilliant actress.  Well, at least I think she is.  As long as her character is supposed to creep you out then she gets my vote.

Rating: 

Tabatha's Salon Takeover - Bravo

OhmyfreakinggodIlovethisshow.  The show's premise is pretty simple.  Aussie born hairstylist guru, Tabatha Coffee, helps salon owners turn their businesses around.  Boring you say? I think not sir!  Tabatha is that chick you always wanted to sit next to in high school. She scares the bullies. Tabatha's no nonsense approach is, apparently, what these asshole salon owners need. If they're shit, she's tells them they're shit. I adore her.  If I was a lesbian....ok, no I wouldn't but I still adore her.

My favorite owner to date is the stupid-ass ex-Amish chick who let her customer's pay her in vodka.  I'm telling you folks, this show is worth the laughs (even though I don't think it's supposed to be a comedy).

Rating: 

I think that's enough for now.  Have an awesome weekend!

Ballin'

So I need to post a retraction or correction to one of my posts from yesterday. I guess I didn't thoroughly research the whole Penn State, Joe Paterno, issue and for that I apologize.

It appears that Joe Pa did know that something was going on with Mr. Alleged Perv and he reported it to the higher ups at Penn State. Now what isn't clear is why he didn't also report it to the police.  I know that if I thought someone I worked with or was friends with or was a family member was abusing anyone I would report them to the cops. I would rather be wrong and look like a douche than to do nothing and wind up and asshole.

Wacky Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Deuces Y'all

Joe Paterno is in a world of hurt right now. What did he do you ask? As far as I can see he actually didn’t do anything but have a brilliant career as a football coach. One of his protege however is an alleged child molester.  Nothing I’ve read or heard about this guy indicates he’s anything but admirable or that he knew anything about the alleged abuse so why is he the one in the news?  Why isn’t Sandusky (Jerry Sandusky is the alleged perv) in the news more? Sure, we’ve seen him handcuffed and thrown in the back of a police car but we’ve seen more coverage of Paterno. So why is this upsetting? Well, let’s say the guy in the cube next to yours, or the girl who runs the cash register next to yours gets accused of a crime. But hey you, at one time, said he/she was a good person to replace you so now you’re the bad guy. Yeah man, that’s fair.

So now it appears that one of Herman Cain’s accusers is a whiny bitch who wants what she wants so fuck you.  Karen Kraushaar settled her claim against Cain and then quit to take another job where she promptly filed allegations against the supervisors at her new job. Apparently she wanted to work from home (don’t we all) and they said no so she said they were treating her unfairly not to mention they were passing around a “sexually oriented” email. How much you want to guess the email was about how to use periods in email and she thought they were talking about menses?   

So this one time Russia sent a probe to Mars.  Problem is the $170 million probe is stuck in earth’s orbit.  Worse still it’s apparently full of toxic fuel.  Gee, I didn’t know Lance Bass finally raised the $10 million bucks.

A gigantic asteroid zipped by the Earth on Tuesday. It was a little over 200,000 miles from the big blue planet we call home. That’s closer than the moon folks but it did miss us so pfew.  Shouldn’t we be having a party or something? Oh yeah, we are.  The CMA’s are on tonight. The only thing better would be prime time NASCAR®.  Not.

Nothing says “I love you” like leaving your 74-year old mother in a vinyl recliner so long her skin fuses to it. The victim, Carol F. Brown, of Kansas City, Missouri was left in the chair to marinate in her own urine and feces. Only after she had an apparent stroke did help arrive. According to her son, who happens to be the one who left her in the chair, this is what she wanted.  But hey, he did bring her hot soup. I mean he’s not a complete asshole.  Mrs. Brown died and the Jackson County Prosecutors office hasn’t made any decision on whether to file charges.  Really?  Yup.

Later bitches

Ballin'

Randon Rant (Repost)

What’s wrong with the world? Well, in a word-nothing. The world is working just exactly as it’s supposed to. It’s spinning and tilting on its axis as it has for billions of years. The real question is what’s wrong with Humanity? Have we always been so mean and cynical?

Well, let’s see: Cain offed his brother because he was jealous of him. Paris wanted to doink Helen of Troy so bad that he abducted and raped (I made that part up) her. Stockholm Syndrome anyone? (Ok, mythology I know. But still.) Julius Caesar conquered pretty much all of the known world because he could but then had to go all the way to Egypt to get a piece of ass. Then one sunny day in March all his friends knifed him to death. Nice. Cleopatra murdered her sister and brother so she could be Pharoh. Augustus Caesar killed Cleopatra (yeah, I know she killed herself but that little fucker forced her hand) and Egypt was never the same. A nice little Jewish boy is born in Bethlehem. He knows he’s special. His mom and Dad told him so. Then 30 some odd years later he’s nailed to a cross while the once adoring public poke him with sticks and throw rocks at him until he dies. He got the last laugh though, didn’t He?

Fast forward a few centuries.

Isabella II wants the Jews to either convert to the “true faith” or get the hell out of Spain. I can just picture it. Isabella seductively fingers Torquemada’s robes, “Tommy” she says, “the Jews are ruining Christmas. Fix it for me big fella?” “Sure thing, Izzy. I know some guys. We’ll get ‘er done”. King Henry VIII marries his dead bro’s wife who claims to be a virgin. Yeah, she probably was. Have you ever met an uber Catholic girl? She pops out Mary who was no slouch in the hating of anyone who wasn’t a Catholic (Jews and Protestants were all the same to her) but then her pipes bust and no male heirs. So what does dashing Hank do? He finds himself a nice little piece to dilly dallie with and decides to marry her. But whoa, Catherine (you know, Mary’s mom) says hold up there Hanky-poo. I’m your true wife and the priest did say “til death do us part”. He says no problem, I’ll just tell the Pope you weren’t a virgin, i.e you were a slut, when I married you so there. Now folks, Cathy wasn’t no slouch and she tells ol’ Hank go ahead you jerk; he’s my nephew. Neener, neener, neener. Hankie says well if the Pope won’t play by the rules I’ll just change them! Take that! And he DID!

Fast forward a few more centuries.

So there’s this guy we’ll call Adolph. You know, because that was his name. Daddy didn’t love him. Mom was a whack job. Now ‘Dolphy just wants to paint. Paint and get rid of anyone who wasn’t German, blond haired and blue eyed. Ironic isn’t it? Adolph Hitler was a dark haired, brown eyed Austrian. Ponder that one for a minute. But the Germans say “Hey, he got the trains to run on time, and got rid of those pesky Jews (who make really good bread), Gypsies (who make really good palm readers), and homosexuals (who, let’s face it, dance, dress and smell nice). So while he’s doing all this-turning various religious, ethnic and social groups into kindling-the rest of the world just sits back and says “We don’t want to get involved”. Ten million people have to die the most vile and heinous deaths imaginable for humanity to say “You know, that Adolph Hitler fella might just be a bad guy. Help?” Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from the oven. Gross. All it took for the United States to get involved in WWII (aka The Big One) was a little commotion over at Pearl Harbor caused by the Japanese. What the hell did we ever do to them? Oh yeah. Exist. If you ever want to get every member of the Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines pissed off just attack us on our own soil. Armed Forces enema anyone?

Fast forward a few years.

1937 Saddam Hussein is born.
1952 Muammar Gaddafi is born.
1957 Osama bin Laden is born.

What do you suppose their parent’s hopes and dreams for them were? As Mama Hussein suckles her newborn do you think she was hoping he’d grow up to be a murdering douchebag? Papa bin Laden stares down at his son whose tiny hand grips his bejeweled finger. Papa says to himself, “Yes, this boy will live and die in a cave after instigating the murders innocent infidels.” Prolly not.

Now I realize I’ve taken great license here. I’ve left out a lot of history. Mostly I’ve left out the good that we, Humanity, have done. And we have done good folks. Don’t forget that. It hasn’t all been bad. It’s just that we’ve been trained from the beginning of time to hate what we can’t have. To take what isn’t ours. To scorn anyone who isn’t like us or doesn’t think like us. And to ridicule those who fight against that attitude.
In essence we’re all assholes in one way or another so just face it. Do what you can to make Humanity better and leave the World the fuck alone. She can take care of herself.

Monday Ponderings - November 7, 2011 (Repost from FB)

Deuces, Li’l Ones

• So you know by now that I’m obsessed with this whole Bieber Baby Daddy drama, right?  Well this a.m. I woke up at 6:45 and got up to watch the news (I’m trying to get back into “get up for work mode”). So what story are they featuring but the one about my boy, Justin. Did you know that at the time of this alleged impregnation JB was 16 but Miss Hoor was 20? Jail bait anyone? Let’s see…a few million dollars for the label of sex offender for the rest of your life, is that a fair trade off for five minutes in a bathroom (allegedly)? Even if JB turns out not to be the Baby Daddy, this chick is goin’ down and not in a fun way. Baby, baby, baby ohhhh that ain’t my baby baby baby ohhhhh

• Conrad Murray – guilty of involuntary manslaughter.   I honestly don’t think he meant for Michael to die, I think we can probably all agree on that. You don’t kill the golden cow unless you’re really dumb. However, this man has got to be one of the most reckless, arrogant assholes on the face of the planet. As a physician what in the hell was he doing injecting a drug that should only ever be used in a hospital setting into a silicone filled sausage casing? Where do you suppose he injected it into Michael that he  hadn’t had plastic surgery on? The only place I can figure is between his toes and the thought of that skeeves me out so much I think I just wet myself a little.  I was never a big MJ fan and I certainly don’t think he deserved to die but seriously, it was just a matter of time no matter who pushed the plunger.  

• So Lindsay Lohan checked into jail last night (she must have an LAPD Express Pass) and was released after just four hours because of “overcrowding”. To say I’m outraged about this is an understatement. The California judicial system is a joke that isn’t funny.  How about this Cali-why don’t you release some of the people of color who are in the pokey for piddley shit instead so there’s more room for Ms Lohan? This bitch doesn’t even begin to know the meaning of penitence and with the assistance of California she never will.  Way to go fucktards.

• Has anyone ever watched The Rachel Zoe Project on Bravo? I’ve never wanted to poke anyone in the eye as bad as I do her. I’d say she’s the most annoying person on the planet (her voice alone makes my butthole pucker) except that distinction goes to her husband.  Now these two have procreated.  And in case you Philistines didn’t know, they’re the only two people on the planet who’ve ever had a baby.  Oh. My. God. I die.  Bananas.

• Herman Cain apparently likes boobies. And he’s different than any other straight (and some gay) men, how? Bill Clinton likes blow jobs. So what?  Ok, that’s not really fair. Groping women who weren’t willing participants is a bit different than getting a quickie in the Oval office. Herman  baby, you should just fade back into the wood work. Besides the Republicans already have several other great candidates. There’s Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman and Newt Gingrich and… um…er…OBAMA 2012!

Later bitches.
Ballin’